dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He shit in the fireplace
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
