Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
