My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
