Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
