Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
