some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
