I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
God, I missed his penis.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
