matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
