just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
