i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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