Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
