I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
