Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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