Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
