his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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