my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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