fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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