I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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