yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
