Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
