Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
