It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
