I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You made out with two different species that night
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
