just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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