totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Congratulations! We have a period
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
