I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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