I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
