My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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