jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
