She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
