She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
