She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
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you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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