Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
