What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
