I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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