Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
