I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
