go do what you do best...puke behind churches
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.