I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.