____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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