dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
