If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
