why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he puts the penis in happiness.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
birth control should be required to get into college
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
