I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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