I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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