In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
