shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
