I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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