The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
our cab driver is having phone sex.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
