The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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