Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
