I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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