I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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