Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
