i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
