Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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