Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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