Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I am available for nakedness
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
that may or may not have been my penis.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
