I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
