My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
